It took me 2 months of procrastination to start my next chapter of writing. I tell myself I must finished it by Christmas Day. Sadly, mission failed. So, I extended the deadline to 31st Dec 2018. I seriously hate writing but do love reading. On and off, I will recall some of the incidents or things happened in the past or present which I will love to share in this space but it’s just so difficult to put them in sentences. I started to wonder – Has anyone created a mind reading machine in this 21st century? The type that can just read my mind & thoughts and start typing them out in the screen.
For the sake of people out there, whom do not know my Heavenly Father, whom do not know who this Great God is. I desperately yearn to share with you His goodness, His grace, His mercy that He has given me. Despite my bad and weaknesses, He did not ignore me. So here I am; crawling out from my cocoon of laziness, sharing our “How we get to know each other?” chapter.
Before I start, please pardon me for my bad and fading memory of the past. Allow me to say prayer before I continue – Dear Heavenly Father, please restore my memory of the past, memory of how you had come into my life, memory of how my heart had come to you, memory of how you had guided and helped me when I’m lost and sinned. Please put them all in place and guide me in this writing so that I’m able to share our stories in truth. Please give me wisdom to put our stories in interesting sentences so that we shall not bored the readers. I hope my stories can touched some of you somewhere deep in your heart. In Jesus’s Almighty Name I pray, Amen.
I started praying when I’m in my primary school days. In fact, God had come into my life and introduced himself to me way before. My mum reminded me that she had sent me to our nearby kindergarten Christian / Sunday school when I’m 4 years old. I vaguely remembered the storybook that my male teacher shared with us. The names of “Jesus” and “Moses” were in it. I like this teacher very much. He will fetch me from home to school most of the time.
During my primary school days, I was taught by one of my classmates, J, on how to pray. We are good friend for almost 36 years now. During those innocent days, I prayed only when I’m troubled or when I needed help. Subsequently, I started to pray often because God has become my diary, my secret friend. I’m not sure if He is real but I did get my problem solved at that times. Slowly, it became a habit for me to talk to this Secret Friend when I want, when I need and when I’m lost.
From then onward, I started talking with our Heavenly Father, pouring all my thoughts and troubles to him. I wasn’t close to my own father since my teens days. We had an argument and seldom talk to each other after that, even till now. The relationship with God doesn’t feel spiritually to me at that time, I’m not sure how should I put it. Meaning I’m open to Him during prayers because I knew nothing can be hidden from Him. He knows me inside out, my bad thoughts, my jealousy, my envy to others, my lust, my anger and so on. Therefore, I’m not sure why I’m not afraid to put all these negative self of mine in front of him. It’s a different thing when I went to temple for prayers. I must be careful not to express thoughts freely and not to have any bad thoughts as I’m afraid bad things may fall upon me.
During my secondary school days, there was a period that I was drifted away from God. I hardly talk or pray to Him. I cannot remember why. Is because I’m lazy or I’m busy with school work, part time jobs and friends? Or if I started to doubt about Christianity because of this – At that time, a lot of Christians will block the way outside the MRT entrance and distribute brochures inviting people to come to church on Sunday. They were like salesmen hard selling their product. They kept saying how much God loves us and how much Jesus loves us. Although, I prayed at that time but still I do not know how big our Heavenly Father and Jesus love are. Even for someone like me who pray often cannot understand, how can a non-Christian be able to understand the love of God. Some had commented about other religion and I felt uneasy as I think we have the own right to choose our belief and religion. I really feel uncomfortable and dislike the way the Christians gospel at that time. Every time, they approached me, I rejected them.
One day, I was invited to church by my classmates who were in the Boys’ Brigade uniform group. I attended the service and you know what? I fell asleep. The pastor had used a monotone to preach in the morning and that easily led me to my “Lala” land in no time. Thereafter, I did not attend church for a long long time.
The funny thing is I started my conversation again with our Heavenly Father. Not sure why, when and what had me start praying again. Thank God for You did not abandon me even I’m drifting away. Though I cannot see or hear You but You just come to me, strike straight to my heart and make me start talking to You again.
God is my secret friend and I’m not ready to commit myself as a Christian yet. All along I thought Christian must attend service every Sunday and need to be baptize before you are called a Christian and I’m not ready to become one yet. My family is not a “on the ball” believer in Buddhism or Taoism as my mum only go to temple for prayers’ blessings for our family; we do not have any prayers ritual done at home but still I’m not comfortable and not ready yet to let my family know that I’m a believer or want to become Christian. I will follow her to the Guan Yin Temple at Bugis for prayers sometime. That is the only temple I feel comfortable to go. I will always try to keep my blessing prayers for others and tried not to ask anything for myself. I always believe in karma. Whatever you asked, you may need to pay back somehow which of course it may not be like this. I want to be at the safe side in case I’m not able to repay back. Then how?
For years, I continued to talk to God. Not like when I’m in the temple I will restraint myself requesting this and that from Guan Yun, instead I will ask and request for any help from Him, my Heavenly Father, if need, no restrictions. Not sure why I will not feel that I need to return Him anything or I may not be able to repay Him. When our relationship got closer and closer, when I depended on Him more and more, when I knew deeply that He is there for me always; I started to feel a bit guilty. Guilty for not converting or guilty for not being loyal enough. I asked God, I need Him to show me He is real. (Though my inner self believes that He exists, but I still need confirmation. I need to feel something to decide which religion I should go for.)
He did not response. I guess He had left me to make my own decision. I did not make any conclusion – I continued to pray to Him (which I think God knows very well what my decision will be. He knows that I will not stop talking to Him). He is right. I’m already too dependable on Him. I start praying automatically when I need help. I will say thanks repeatedly when I received His grace.
Year 2018 is a challenging year for my family. Despite my sins, I really need to share the goodness and blessings that we had received from our Abba Father. His grace, mercy and unlimited love for me and my family are immeasurable.
MY SINS / HIS BLESSINGS:-
No different from other human beings, I lied. I lied when I sneaked out to play. I lied when I went over to my hubby house to stay overnight. I lied when I did something wrong and did not dare or too ashamed to admit. These flaws of mine did not keep me away from Him. Whenever He responded to my shouting, I will thank Him with gratitude. If He did not respond, I will not ask why because it’s my mistake that I have to bear. Whatever the case it is, I will get over it and problem will be solved without major issue.
I got to know my hubby when I was 15 years old. We got into relationship when I’m 17 years old. He is 5 years older than me. That time should be our high production of hormones that bring the level to peak high. We fell into temptation after almost 1.5 years of relationship. I had my 1st abortion. I was alone in the operation room. I was scared, ashamed, sinful, sorry, regret, guilty and lost. I can only beg for His presence. I beg for His forgiveness again and again. I prayed for my unborn child in tears.
If last time I know how to pray before I fell into another temptation, I’m sure I will not have the 2nd abortion. I always want to use my own strength and own will to fight my devil self. I will only pray when things happened and when the situation is out of hand. For the 2nd time, I’m put through the same emotional trauma when lying on the operation table. I beg for God’s forgiveness repeatedly. I asked for His blessings for my unborn children.
I’m prepared that I may not be able to wake up after the procedure; that God will take me away for punishment. I’m scared and extremely guilty. I cannot see or hear Him. I can only pray continuously and feel the peace He gave me. God did not punish me for my wrong doings. I woke up. The gynae explained that the unborn child was not develop yet. It will be drain out like normal menses.
It took me quite a while to decide to post this. My mum, my in laws and my other close relatives doesn’t know this dark side of my life. Only my 2 eldest daughters, my sister and 3 close friends knew that. I do not dare to tell my mum, even now. She will be very disappointed and feel sad for me.
I have yet to study the Bible. I do not know what will happen to my unborn children and where they will go. I only asked God to take care for me for the time being. I will join them in His Kingdom when the time comes. Thank you, my Dear Lord.
Without Him, I guess I will be soaked in my guilt and will not have peace for a long long time. I also prepared that I may not be able or easy to conceive after these abortions.
- EARLY MARRIAGE – GOD HAD GIVEN ME 3 BEAUTIES
Can you imagine after the 2 big mistakes I had made in my life; I still fell into the Devil’s trap again for the 3rd time. I put the blame to the Devil’s power against my Human weak power or maybe – Haha! I should just put the blame to my hubby.
I didn’t expect I can be so fertile; I’m pregnant again. After the repeated mistake, I am blessed with my 1st born child. This time, my hubby, acts like a man. He wanted the baby. He went straight to my house and put a big bomb to my mum. She didn’t know we were together then. Imagine, your all along sensible child, came back and tell you that she is pregnant and going to be married at the age of 19 years old. I shall skip her terror here and share next time. Of course, such moments, I will not bottle up. I prayed and only can prayed for my mum during that time. Thinking back now can still churned my tears out and start rolling under my eyelids.
This is called Shotgun Marriage. How can we get married when our financial are not stable yet? I just started working at that time – no savings. My hubby had no savings too and our families were having financial difficulties at that time. I did not ask Him for financial providence which back then I did not know how. Too big of a request, I dare not ask. Remember, I believe in karma. I do not know what God’s Grace and Mercy are. I only seek for His blessings, peace and comfort through prayers. We are blessed then. My hubby stroke 4D – 1st prize – around S$10K, if remember not wrongly.
We used this money for our wedding gowns, photos, dinner, bedroom furniture and etc. If it is not His blessings – how can we hold a proper wedding ceremony? I will not have any wedding photos; I will not be able to hold any dinner to receive blessings and wishes from our friends, relatives and families. He is the one who made it possible. Thank you, my Great Lord.
I prayed as much as I can for His blessing upon my unborn daughter. I was so worried and afraid that karma will fall upon her because of the abortions. On the birth day of my eldest princess, in between of contractions, I prayed and prayed for forgiveness and give me a healthy baby. The 1st cry made my heart beats fast. The moment she was put into my arms, I was overwhelmed. How can she be so beautiful, so adorable? I started to check her arms, fingers, legs and toes. All are beautifully and perfectly grown. I can feel my tears rolling with gratitude. My feelings are indescribable. I thank God again, again and again. How can He be so good to me even I had sinned repeatedly? Not only I am blessed with one beauty, Jolene. He has given me 2 more beauties, Rachel and Gladys. He never punished me and yet He blessed me with 3 children. Thank you, my Heavenly Father. Thank you. Thank you.
These are only my 1st part of blessings that I’m sharing. I need more time to continue this long list of testimonials. Dear Heavenly Father, in Jesus’s name, I prayed again for your guidance to write our story in truth due to my blurred memory and please give me your wisdom to type out the sentences smoothly, in Jesus’s name, Amen.
I started going to church service only this mid year. I was busy working 2 jobs since I’m married. I know nothing about Bible yet. Only now I know how great and loving our God is; Only now i know about :-
- His Patience – I took so long to come to him willingly. In front of others, I never admit myself as a Christian because I’m not baptised; I go temple. I helped my in laws with prayers ritual to other gods. I’m afraid to admit I’m a believer partly because of my family. I always said, “Please wait, my Lord! I shall attend church when I’m no longer need to work 2 jobs; when I have more time to myself; when I think I can commit myself to you.” He waited patiently for me to come and commit to Him wholeheartedly. Now, my Lord. I am here. I announced openly to my families and friends that I’m a believer. Thank you for standing by me, my Dear Heavenly Father.
- His Unconditional Love – Back then, I did not understand why the Christians in church are always so high. They always praise how much God loves them and how much they love God. I always feel uncomfortable the way they worship. Only now then I can feel the love myself, only now then I can understand the people in church back then. They must be like me, experiencing His overpowering love and goodness. Without his love, I may not be able to meet the challenges in life; I may not feel peace and security in heart.
- His Grace and Mercy – To me, Jolene is my mentor in this spiritual journey of Christianity. Anything, I do not understand how God’s work, I will ask her. He never come to touch me like He does to others but He comes to me through others. Around end last year, my mother in law was admitted to ICU and the doctors asked us to get ready if her condition did not improve that night. We were so devastated upon hearing that. The scene of all the tubings around her make our heart shattered in pieces. I started praying thoughtlessly and desperately to God. I started to make deals with Him – Dear Heavenly Father, if need be, please take me away instead of my in law. Please take away her pain and I shall try to bear for her.” I’m not sure if I can bear the pain if it falls upon me or if I will be truly taken away from my love ones. Will I regret in making such deals? I’m not sure. I can now understand when one is desperate, you can just make deals without thinking about the consequences. I told Jolene about my prayers, she said :”Aiyo! Ma! How can you make such prayers? God doesn’t bring sicknesses. Only devil does that. Satan will come in and grab the opportunity when he knows it. God don’t deal or trade. His Grace and Mercy are FOC.” So only then I know what His Grace and Mercy truly means. They are given out of love, just purely love. You know what, Satan really find his way fast – I’m diagnosed with cancer. Please do not anyhow make deals.
- His Goodness – Despite the repeated mistakes and sins I made in this life, He did not punish me; He did not abandon me; He guided me; He helped me. I’m not sure if He forbids but I think He is understanding. If we need to do prayers ritual to our ancestors, I will do it. To me, it’s a kind of respect to our love ones and not praying to any god idols. That day, I accompany my mum and aunty to Guan Yin Temple. My aunty asked, “Ling, you cannot go in, right?” I replied, “Can la. Why cannot? I’m not praying. I can just sit at the chair there wait for you.”, so I went in and started my conversations with God, to make sure that He is not unhappy me sitting in the temple. As I’m still a young Christian by book, I do not know a lot of things in the Bible what can or cannot do but I strongly believe that God only see our heart, our true heart. When your heart is truly His, you will do his work willingly. It doesn’t matter if I participate the prayers rituals or I’m sitting inside the temple, He knows what I’m doing and He knows where my true heart is.
- His acceptance – Even though, I’m not baptized, I never attend church and I continue to pray at temple for years. He did not forsake me. Only now I know that He has already accepted me as His precious child way way back.
There are still a long list of blessings I want to share but I shall stop here for now. Subsequently, I will share :-
- How He had help me to overcome my mild postnatal depression
- How Blessed I am to have my Husband
- How Blessed I am to have my colleagues
- How He had help me after my Retrenchment
- How He had help me to overcome my Debt
- How Blessed I am to have my Mum
- How Blessed I am to have my siblings
- How Blessed I am to have my In Laws
- How Blessed I am to have my Daughters
- How Blessed I am to have my Buddies
- How Blessed I am to have my Bosses
- How Blessed I am to have my Sickness
- What I had done out of the norm for Him
God knows when I will start writing again because heehee ☺☺I don’t know.
I hope for those who had no one and no where to turn to when in need or troubled or when feel lonely and lost. Please start your conversation with our Heavenly Father today. Make Him your friend, your soulmate, your counselor, your pillar, your hope and your saviour, I’m sure your life will be changed thereafter. I believe you will receive the same peace as I do. Faith, Trust and Patience are required to be build over times.
May God Bless You All, In Jesus’s name I Pray Amen.